A Surprise Christmas Message from Tanner…

So, last night we saw Theresa Caputo, the LI Medium.  We have seen her before, always in group settings, and she is amazing.  If you’ve ever seen her show, you know she has the funniest personality.  We weren’t planning on going to this event, but like I’ve said before sometimes things just happen for a reason and you have to go with it.  Let me start at the beginning…

Tuesday 12/16, I am on my way to work and while sitting on the train I checked my phone.  I happened to look at my TimeHop that day (if you don’t know what time hop is, it is an app that shows you posts you made and pictures you posted on social media from years ago). My timehop was a facebook post that said (5 years ago): “tonight Tanner rolled over in his sleep and sighed ‘momma’.  Melted my heart”.  After reading that Tuesday morning, I was thinking about all the times he would turn over and I would rub his sweet face/head with my hand and he did the same to me.  Very very occasionally, Chase puts his little hand on my face while we snuggle… Tanner did it all the time.  I actually have a picture of him rubbing my face right after he woke up from his 3rd brain surgery after his relapse… it was his way of showing affection.  I miss that little hand on my face so much.

Later that day, I received a text from Miss Nancy, Tanner’s teacher from The Morgan Center.  We had gone to the Morgan Center Christmas party the weekend before, and taken this amazing group photo, all the kids who have survived cancer or are going through treatment currently, and all of their siblings.  It was an amazing picture.  She was going to post it on facebook and she wanted us to know that there were distinct orbs in the picture… mediums say that orbs are spirit showing themselves in picture.  The photo, taken by a professional photographer, shows clearly the orbs… without a doubt we said Tanner, Jack and Jessica, along with Miss Nancy’s father, were obviously with us that day.  Being that we had seen Theresa together over a year ago, Miss Nancy posted under the pic “Melissa, I wonder what Theresa would have to say about that!”.  Then, my  phone vibrated with a message.

It was my best friend Vikki’s mom.  She is friends with Theresa’s mom from church, and she had 2 extra tickets for Theresa’s event Thursday night.  We have seen Theresa a few times, and weren’t looking to go to this event, but sometimes, when things are presented to you like that and tickets just “fall into your lap”, you have to think, “well, I guess I better go!”.

Andrew and I figured with 2000 people in the audience at Westbury NYCB theatre, we weren’t going to get read, but then Theresa said “where’s the little boy with the brain tumor”.  Of course he was going to come through… he always does! It’s always hard for me to write out a reading, but I’ll do my best… here’s what she said:

She started with his passing – she said he told her I held him for his first breath and his last breath, which is true.  She then said he’s talking about you rubbing his head (there it is! my timehop post about me rubbing his face and him rubbing mine – which was on my mind all week!).  Then she brought up his teeth… Tanner’s teeth come up often for us in readings – a month before he passed he had all of his teeth except 2 pulled out because they had rotted from the chemo he was taking.  At the time it was a sore spot for me, as I knew his prognosis was bad, it bothered me that he would go to heaven with no teeth.  She told me that he has a full set of beautiful teeth and he wants to make sure I know that.  She also asked me about his baby blanket, and said “he has it with him, but you also have a piece?”.  Tanner is buried with his baby blanket, but I have his other favorite one with me.  Then she asked about his hair, which I have a piece of.  Then she asked about his hat, and the fact that someone else is wearing it.  Chase has been wearing Tanner’s Patriots hat every day.  I actually have been trying to get him to wear a different hat, because I’m always nervous he will lose it, but he insists on wearing it.  She said Tanner is acknowledging that Chase wears his hat.  She asked if we still had the outfit he passed away in, which was a pair of pj’s, and of course I do.  She asked if I still smell him sometimes… I actually have recently gone into Tanner’s room and smelled the pj’s, just to see if I can smell him again, missing him so much.  Then she asked where the handprint is on the sheet.  Tanner told her that his handprints are everywhere on some sheet.  I told her that we work for the Lexiebean Foundation, to help children with cancer in his memory, and his symbol is “Tanner’s high fives”.  She asked if we had done a sporting event in his name – then I realized this morning, the Lexiebean 5K, which we had “Tanner’s kids fun run”, and every t-shirt we handed out had a blue handprint with “Team Tanner” on the sleeve… sheets of handprints.  So awesome.  Then, she asked if we had recently gone back and visited with ‘nurses’.  I told her we recently visited with his teachers… she said yes, she saw them as nurses but they were his caregivers – and there was an event and everyone was talking about him and talking about how he was there that day.  So, there it was, validation that those orbs at the Morgan Center party were in fact Tanner, Jack & Jessica.

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The Morgan Center Christmas Party, 2014

She ended with telling us that he wants us to know he has grown… (my little 3 1/2 year old would be 7 now!), that he is running all over the place, and that he is excited because he is riding a bicycle (of course he is, Chase has been riding his bike up and down the block every day!).  She said he ran over and jumped on me and said “even though his life was short, he wants to thank you for giving him the best life ever.  He never knew he was sick and he said you gave him a wonderful life”.

Oh Tanner, you gave me the best life ever when I got to be your momma.  My heart is forever broken, but the little unexpected messages like this are what gets me through.  The things that Theresa said were things that were fresh in my head this week – the party, the face/head rub, Chase wearing Tanner’s hat… things that I think about daily and wonder and worry and grieve… Theresa showed me tonight, once again, that Tanner is there with me while I think about all of those things… and he wanted to remind me of that right before Christmas, when I start missing him even more (if that’s even possible).

Theresa Caputo has a gift and I am so very glad she shares it.  There is so much peace in hearing from Tanner, in validating that he is with me.  I think about him and miss him all day every day, and until we meet again, that will never ever change… Knowing that he is healthy and happy and running and riding a bike, that makes the hole in my heart just a little more bearable.

Wishing everyone a peaceful holiday season, and a happy healthy new year.  Special love and hugs to my fellow bereaved parents this holiday season… let my reading from Theresa show you that just as Tanner is with me, your children are with you.  Not the way they should be, but they are there.

With Love,

Tanner’s Momma

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Tanner rubbing momma’s face, July 2010

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Responses:

  1. So glad you heard from your sweet angel Tanner!

    Comment by Tracie on December 19, 2014 at 2:57 pm

  2. thank you Tracie! <3

    Comment by Tanner's Momma on December 19, 2014 at 3:08 pm

  3. What a beautiful message you got from your little guy. Even though he is missing from your everyday physical life, I hope his message gave you some peace and comfort knowing that he’s always with you. What an amazing mom you are. Your strength is inspiring. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year.

    Comment by Di on December 19, 2014 at 8:10 pm

  4. Thank you Di, best wishes to you this holiday season! Xo

    Comment by Tanner's Momma on December 19, 2014 at 10:36 pm

  5. Just beautiful. Sitting here with tears streaming down my face bc so much of what you say hits home. So happy you got a visit from your baby boy. I have gotten some amazing readings from Teresa as well. She truly has a gift. Love to you guys xoxo

    Comment by Amy conlon on December 20, 2014 at 2:02 am

  6. Thank you Amy. Love to you too, especially during the holidays. Xo

    Comment by Tanner's Momma on December 21, 2014 at 3:08 am

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