I need a sign… to let me know you’re here…

Every day when I come home from work, I get off the train and pull right into the cemetery across the street to visit Tanner.  I know I’m just visiting his stone, I know he is always with me, I know he isn’t “there”… but his stone his, and keeping it clean (brushing off the snow), bringing him little toys (like cars and beads and holiday decorations) makes me feel like I’m doing something for him.  Visiting my son at the cemetery every day is not something I ever thought I’d be doing… so most of the time I don’t know what to do while I’m there.  Honestly I think about Tanner all of the time, so what difference does it make if I’m at the cemetery or at home or anywhere for that matter… but anyway, I go there, every day.

Yesterday, as I was brushing off the snow and making sure all of his little cars and things were in order, I said (yes out loud) to him… “you know, it’s been a while since you’ve sent me any signs”.  I look at his name on his stone as if he might talk back to me.  What I wouldn’t give to hear that sweet little voice again.

I drove home and waited for Chase’s school bus to come.  Chase is so cute on the school bus… only 3 years old and he climbs up and down the bus steps, with his little backpack on, smiling from ear to ear.  He came down the steps, happy to see me, and I asked him the usual “how was school Chase?  What did you do today?” (I also got the usual response:  “nuffin!”).  Ha, he did nothing at pre-school but he’s singing new songs in the bathtub at night and talking about books and stories and friends’ names… so I say “did you learn that at school?” and he says “oh, yeah!”.  That kid cracks me up.  Anyway, he comes in the house, hands me his backpack, and shows me a set of plastic beads from school.  I’m sure they were for Mardi Gras, but there it was… my first sign from Tanner.  Tanner LOVED beads.  He carried them everywhere.  They were in the car, in his diaper bag, in the stroller, in my pocketbook… I think that he must’ve had some serious peripheral neuropathy from the chemo he was on, so sometimes he liked to hold beads, twirl them around his fingers… maybe the sensation took away from the neuropathy.   I asked for a sign.  Chase came home with beads.

Earlier yesterday morning, I was checking over my email when I noticed that an entry was written on one of Tanner’s friends’ care pages.  Care pages is a place that you can write about your journey.. kind of like a blog, for sick people.  So I logged into the care pages, and read that Tanner’s sweet friend Maddy was doing well, two years off chemo.  I don’t usually comment on the blog, but yesterday I decided to comment, writing that she is always in our prayers and that I ask Tanner to watch over her as I ask him to watch over all his cancer warrior friends… Last night (after the sign with the beads) Maddy’s mom sent me a text to let me know that she was playing words with friends, and someone came by to visit… check this out and tell me it’s not a sign (especially after I asked him to watch over her!):

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can you imagine, these were her letters?!

I had written about this (because I was so shocked) on facebook.  My girlfriend was out to dinner with her family, and was checking her phone, and happened to see my status.  She was reading it with amazement, and with that, the lady eating in the booth behind her said to her son: “tanner, can you get more queso!” (they were at a Mexican restaurant).  She couldn’t believe it… “Tanner” isn’t a name you hear around here very often, and at the very moment she was reading my status.

Later that evening, I was writing a message to a friend in Boston who has an autistic child.  I was asking her how he was doing with his new pre-school.  She told me it was kind of rough, he was having a tough time adjusting… so I sent a quick prayer up asking Tanner to help his little buddy out.  Then, while she was giving her son a bath, she opened a new app on her phone, one that makes greeting cards that can be sent on cell phones… the first card that opened up said “I love you to the moon and back”… something I say often when I send messages, or write about Tanner.  This morning, she opened her facebook, and the first thing that showed up on her page was a viral picture of a boy, spreading awareness about Duchenne’s Dystrophy, and holding a sign that stated “My name is Tanner”… she couldn’t believe it.  She shared this with me, and that is when I got to tell her… I asked him to help Jax out!

Some people don’t believe in signs, you might say it’s coincidence.  I don’t believe in coincidence, as I said in my previous entry, I really believe in everything for a reason.  So, I believe these are signs, and find them even more amazing because I ASKED him for them.

I wish Tanner was here every second of every day with every single breath I take.  Every day takes energy to get out of bed in the morning, every day it is an effort to smile, to just function.  Knowing my angel is there, that he can hear me, and he lets me know it, well, that makes it a little bit easier.

The signs are always there, you just have to take the time to ask for them and then look around.

Love,

Tanner’s Momma

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Responses:

  1. i believe in signs too and I just know Tanner was sending all of them so you know he is there with you. And your Chase sounds just like my 3yr old Christopher – he tells me all he does at day at school is play trains but is always surprising me with a new song or poem. Gotta love a three year old….Hugs to you momma.

    Comment by dtine33 on February 13, 2013 at 7:58 pm

  2. thank you so much! xo

    Comment by Tanner's Momma on February 13, 2013 at 9:09 pm

  3. What a wonderful story! I believe!

    Comment by Marianne Walsh Barone on February 14, 2013 at 3:43 am

  4. thank you Marianne!

    Comment by Tanner's Momma on February 14, 2013 at 2:54 pm

  5. HE NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME….

    Comment by DANIELLE on February 16, 2013 at 9:27 pm

  6. thanks dan.. xoxo

    Comment by Tanner's Momma on February 18, 2013 at 4:20 pm

  7. I enjoyed reading your stories unfortunatly you have alot of pain to deal with and my heart goes out to you. One year after my dad passed, the clock stopped at the same time he passed away, my mother and I couldn,t believe it. I seriously believe in signs and feel that our loved ones are trying to communicate with us and ease our pain.Have comfort in that beautiful son you have at home,and know that one day we will be reunited with our loved ones. Praying for you and your family….

    Comment by Maryann on April 23, 2013 at 8:59 pm

  8. Thank you Maryann. My heart goes out to you as we’ll on the loss of your father. Xo

    Comment by Tanner's Momma on April 24, 2013 at 8:11 pm

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