Questions from an almost 4 year old…

• Posted on: Jan 6 2014
• By: Tanner's Momma

Chase talks about Tanner often.  We talk about Tanner often, but lately Chase has really been talking about him alot.  We were walking through Home Goods Saturday night and Chase wanted to sit in the big part of the shopping cart.  He said the seat was where Tanner was going to sit.

Chase “plays” with Tanner and I believe he used to see him, especially when he was younger.  Lately though I don’t think Chase sees him, and he’s starting to ask more questions.  When we pass the cemetery, he says “that’s where Tanner lives”.  I usually tell him that is where Tanner’s stone is (no need to explain graves to a 3 1/2 year old).  I tell him Tanner lives with us, and that is a place where we visit his “stone”, as a memorial.  He gets quiet when I tell him this, probably because he doesn’t understand why I tell him Tanner lives with us.  I guess I don’t even know why I say that, although I know he’s “around” us, he isn’t there, not the way he should be anyway.  Sometimes it’s just really hard to answer questions to an almost 4 year old.

Saturday night was a tough one.  We had just gotten all the invitations for Chase’s upcoming birthday party in the mail.  Chase starts talking about his birthday party the day after he has a birthday party.  He has picked themes out for his next 3 parties in a row, haha.  This year he wanted a “construction” theme – dump trucks, bulldozers, dirt cake, etc.  He’s starting to get excited about his party, as it is the end of this month.  Chase has a calender in his room with photos on it of his previous birthdays.  There is one photo from his first birthday, and he noticed Tanner was there.  Chase’s first birthday was the only one Tanner was there to celebrate.

Chase’s First Birthday, January 2011

So, Chase very nonchalantly came into my room Saturday night as I was folding laundry and said “Momma, can Tanner come to my birthday party this year?”.  {Sucker punch in the stomach!  I feel like I’m going to throw up.  I have to take a moment to figure out how I’m going to answer this one, but I have to give the kid an answer, he is standing there watching me with tears welling up in my eyes.} The only thing I could come up with? “I wish he could, Chase.  I really do.  I miss Tanner very much.”  Of course I wasn’t getting off that easy.  It was followed with a million “why can’t he come? where is he? I want him to be here, can’t he come play with me?” questions…  

This is why Saturday night I enjoyed a glass of amaretto while giving Chase his bath.  It’s a glamorous life.

Sunday I was running on the treadmill and Chase was playing next to me in the toy room.  He was still full of questions and complaining about having “no kids to play with”.  I have sisters, but they didn’t live with me.  I fully understand how tough it is to be an only child.  Chase is not an only child, but he is living like one.  He has asked on a few occasions why there aren’t more kids in our house.  This breaks my heart.  I had two children for this very reason, so they would have each other growing up, so they could be best friends and playmates.  They should both be here, together.  I really hate pediatric cancer for robbing us of that.

So, if your inquisitive almost 4 year old is asking you precarious questions like “where do babies come from” or if your kids are staying up late laughing in their beds when they should be sleeping, smile and relish that moment.  You have no idea how lucky you are.   As for me, I will be up late thinking of answers to give my Chase about why his brother isn’t going to be at his 4th birthday party.

This new year is off to a tough start…

Love,

Tanner’s Momma

Tanner loved you so much, Chase.
May 2010

Tagged with: bereaved parents, brain tumors, grief, kids cancer, kids cancer awareness, lexiebean foundation, pediatric cancer, preschool questions, tanner, the lexiebean foundation

Posted in: Uncategorized

The comments are closed.