sometimes I just don’t know what to say…
- Posted on: Apr 2 2013
It’s been a long month, this past March. Which is funny, because April is always a hard month for me, being Tanner’s angelversary. But this March was particularly tough…. and with no real concrete reason. Easter usually puts me on the edge of sanity, being that Tanner passed on Easter Monday. I always think about that last Easter with him, his last day, the way he was “not him”. He was distant, lying on the couch, needing oxygen for the first time. He didn’t eat, he didn’t drink. He spoke the words “I love you momma, I love you daddy”. Then I changed him and we went to bed, the 3 of us in our bed, Chase a baby in his crib. We knew it was coming, and we were exhausted and horrified. We slept in minute intervals, more passing out and then waking up frantic, checking on him. Until at 5am, we both held his hands and he took his last breath. I relive that day often. Very often. Too often, and no time or therapy or talking or anything this world has to offer can stop it.
This Easter weekend, Andrew moved Tanner’s twin bed into Chase’s room. Chase has been ready for a big boy bed for awhile now, and I was kind of hoping we could buy him a new one. Tanner’s room is exactly as it was, and I don’t know if I’d ever be ready to change that. But his bed was only purchased because Chase needed the crib, and really, Tanner never slept in it. Since his diagnosis he slept right next to me nose to nose, me breathing in his breath wishing with all my heart that I could breath the cancer right out of him and into me. So, the bed was just a prop I keep telling myself. It’s ok to put it in Chase’s room I keep telling myself. Tanner would want him to have it I keep telling myself. Then why do I sit in Tanner’s room crying looking at the spot where the bed once lived? It’s just not how it was supposed to be. They should be sharing bunkbeds. Instead, I have a bed-less bedroom for a child that had to fight cancer. A child who should have been going to kindergarten right now and playing little league and taking music lessons. All my hopes and dreams…. in a bed-less bedroom.
And yet I do have a vibrant 3 year old little boy, who sleeps in what he calls “his new Tanner’s big boy bed” and he is going to preschool and he is singing songs, and he is making me smile… and keeping me going. It is so hard to have a heart that is torn in two. Chase tells me Tanner sleeps with him at night. I hope it is true, I believe it is true. I just wish it was different. The way it should be.
Who knew so much drama could happen over a twin bed from Ikea.
This Friday April 5th is the Lexiebean Foundation’s 3rd annual Wish Upon A Star Gala. It is the foundation’s biggest event, and we hope to raise enough funds to help the many families afflicted by pediatric cancer. We help them pay bills while they are in the hospital, we get them medical equipment they cannot afford, and yes, we help pay for funerals as well. Funerals. Because children die from cancer. Mine did, and he took my heart with him.
Please remember my Tanner Jayden this April. Remember Lexie, Jack, Jessica, Ty, Nicky,Tatiana, Ronan, Audrianna, and the countless others who are angels in heaven while their parents are here broken hearted. Help us help children with cancer. Spread awareness, donate to the foundation, speak our children’s names. When you speak their names, you are not reminding us that they died… trust me, a grieving parent doesn’t ever forget that. By speaking their name, you are showing us that you remember that they lived… and that means more to us than you may know.
Tanner, Easter 2011
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