Still Thankful…

I was thinking yesterday about how different life could be.

What if I went to a different high school?  The one my grandparents wanted to send me to was St. Dominick’s.  I wanted to go to Holy Trinity because all of my friends were going there.  If I had listened to my grandparents, would I have met Andrew?  If I didn’t meet Andrew in high school, would I have met him at all?  Would I have married someone else?  If I married someone else, I wouldn’t have had Tanner and Chase.  I may have had children that weren’t affected by pediatric cancer.

Even considering this makes me shudder a little.  Pediatric cancer changed our lives.  It was the most difficult thing we ever had to go through, fighting every day for our child’s life.  That being said, I wouldn’t wish that I had a different life with different children, even if they were healthy and grew up to become rocket scientists.   Even though I wish he was healthy and didn’t have to go through the nightmare of living his too-short life with a brain tumor, chemotherapy, radiation and everything else that comes with it…. I wouldn’t give up having him even for a second.

We just came back from taking Chase to visit our family in Florida, and of course, to Disney World.  I watched other families in the Magic Kingdom taking their children on rides, chasing after them, buying souvenirs.  I thought to myself it must be expensive going to Disney with a large family, but it would be worth it to be putting smiles on all of their little faces, full of wonder and delight meeting all their favorite characters.  I wished I could tell every family I saw that although I don’t envy them, they really need to stop, take them in, and realize how very blessed they are to be going broke at Disney and enjoying this time with their little ones.  I wish I could give everyone my perspective.

Although I wish my family was whole, I was given the greatest family I could ever imagine.  I was given Tanner & Chase.  I wouldn’t wish to be any other family.

Everyone has a perspective.  It would be an amazing gift if we could all see the world through each others glasses, even if just for a second.  Everyone has a cross to bear, and everyone is dealing with different obstacles, emotions and difficulties.  I have been told losing a child is the worst thing any person can endure.  I agree with that, because it is my life.  I think if we all took a moment to see things through each others “perspective”, we would all be grateful for what we have been given.

I am thankful for my husband, who has struggled along side me,  the only other person in the world who truly understands my pain.  Although others lost Tanner, no one feels that loss like his parents.   I am thankful for my family and friends who have supported me.  I am thankful for The Lexiebean Foundation, for their support during Tanner’s illness, and for being a part of them now and helping other children in Tanner’s name.  I am thankful for Chase, who continues to be my sunshine and my reason to live.  And always, always, I am thankful for this life, that gave me Tanner.  I am thankful that I had 3 1/2 years with my sweet, beautiful boy.  I have said it before, 3 1/2 years with Tanner was far, far, far too short – but it is better than no years at all.

“It wasn’t long enough, but it was long enough for forever” ~Taylor Swift


Tanner’s Momma


Thanksgiving 2010, Tanner holding the wish bone.


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  1. Happy Thanksgiving…. I’m a wreck today. Bradley had his spinal this morning in the PICU. One of his beloved friends was in the room next door…fighting for his life…his bmt failed. Chemo failed. Its horrific.

    The woman working in the Ronald McDonald house was horrific to me and my 9yr old… I had to remind her my 3 year old baby was having spinal chemo in the PICU.. I tried to give her a little “perspective” useless……
    There are no words, I don’t know your pain… I can only imagine. Your words are always inspiring. It always amazes me how you can write with such grace.
    “happy” thanksgiving…
    Fran Hirst

    Comment by Fran Hirst on November 27, 2013 at 11:53 pm

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