You know what’s the hardest part? Being present. We are all busy people. I work full time, I have a beautiful 3 1/2 year old son Chase, who tries to consume my every single free second, and I volunteer as a board member for The Lexiebean Foundation to help other children with cancer. I like […]
There is no such thing as closure. We never close this part of our life, the part of losing a child. It molds us forever. *Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child You learn so much when you speak with other bereaved parents. Every single one of them is going through the same pain, […]
Tanner was 3 years, 5 months and 13 days old when he passed away. From the time of his diagnosis (22 months) on, we lived a new “normal”… normal was weekly trips for chemo, radiation, blood draws, physicals, scans… counters full of medications, injections and constant living on edge – watching him, nervously, for any […]
Mother’s day is my favorite holiday. I don’t celebrate my birthday really, aside from a little cake, which is more for Chase than it is for me. I don’t like to celebrate my birthday…. Not because I don’t like getting older, but because getting older is a privilege denied to so many children, like my […]
How is it even possible. How have I continued to wake up for 2 years… 24 months… 730 days…17,520 hours without my son… It has been too long since I touched his face, kissed his beautiful mouth, felt his sweet breath on my face, felt his sweet hand in mine. And, every minute that I […]
It’s been a long month, this past March. Which is funny, because April is always a hard month for me, being Tanner’s angelversary. But this March was particularly tough…. and with no real concrete reason. Easter usually puts me on the edge of sanity, being that Tanner passed on Easter Monday. I always think about […]
Every day when I come home from work, I get off the train and pull right into the cemetery across the street to visit Tanner. I know I’m just visiting his stone, I know he is always with me, I know he isn’t “there”… but his stone his, and keeping it clean (brushing off the […]
why is there a world cancer day? I mean, seriously, why isn’t it world cancer year? Why isn’t it what-the-hell-are-we-going-to-do-about-children-dying-day every day of the year??? One day isn’t enough. Maybe we can get a little advocacy in for a day, but then you know what happens, tomorrow everyone goes back to their normally scheduled programs […]
Happy New Year! Everyone I come across wishes this to us, and I say it back, politely. I’m not sure how I feel, honestly. Every year that passes is one year further away from when I last held Tanner in my arms. Another year passes that he wasn’t a part of, and he won’t be […]
So, it’s one week until Christmas. Like I mentioned in my earlier post, Andrew and I are trying our hardest and best to give Chase the greatest Christmas ever. We have been decorated, finished shopping, wrapped and ready for weeks now. We took Chase to see Santa more than a few times (and he will […]
