The Gaping Hole… 2 Years in Heaven
- Posted on: Apr 23 2013
How is it even possible. How have I continued to wake up for 2 years… 24 months… 730 days…17,520 hours without my son… It has been too long since I touched his face, kissed his beautiful mouth, felt his sweet breath on my face, felt his sweet hand in mine. And, every minute that I haven’t felt those things have been one minute too long. Oh how I miss my Tanner Jayden. It doesn’t get easier, it gets harder as the time goes on. That burning sensation in the core of my chest has turned to a hollowness… a feeling of pure emptiness, as though something has been ripped out of my very being and left me with a gaping hole. Some people just walk right by, and sometimes I want to scream, “don’t you see this gaping hole in my chest?!”. I am fortunate in that there are some people who do see the gaping hole, and there are some people who understand what that feels like, and although I wish no one ever lost their child to pediatric cancer, there is some solace in knowing there are other parents who know how very much this hurts, I am not alone in this excruciating pain.
My Tanner was too beautiful for this world. I believe that is true of all the children who have lost their battles to pediatric cancer. When I hear their stories, many of who I knew personally, there is one really common thread… they are all amazing children, with a deeper love, a deeper understanding of life, they were able to battle cancer and do it with a smile on their face, without a complaint. These children were too beautiful for this world… old souls if you will… who have in a way been set free from the suffering. But all these deeper thoughts and great beliefs do not ease the suffering or the loss of the bereaved parent. There is no rationale for losing your perfect 3 1/2 year old son to brain cancer. None.
I stare at Tanner’s pictures. I stare into his beautiful eyes and wish he could talk to me. I know he is with me, I get his signs all the time, but to hear his voice, to imagine what he would be doing now, a 5 year old, going to kindergarten… oh how I wish for that normal life through rose-colored glasses…
The other night I mentioned to Andrew how Chase is so different from Tanner. It’s not bad, I guess I just really notice the differences now because Chase is 3 and Tanner was 3 when he passed. Chase is a vibrant, energetic, super-hero obsessed little boy. He loves to dig in the dirt with his tractors and climb and ride and scoot and pull out every single toy in the house and wear his Captain America costume over his fireman costume because yes he can be both at once. haha. Tanner was so snuggly. He liked to cuddle and watch Thomas, and play with his trains and play golf. He was my laid back little man. I don’t mind the differences, I love them, they are their own person… I guess if Tanner was here, I wouldn’t mind them as much but because he is gone, I miss the snuggly momma time. Anyway, just as I was pointing that out to Andrew the other night, Chase came running down the hall into my bedroom, jumped into bed with me, snuggled right up to me and started to “do nice” to my arm (rubbing it softly). Chase has never “done nice” to momma. (I think he just has too much energy!). It was as if someone whispered in his ear to do it, and it was exactly what I needed. Thank God for my Chase, he certainly does keep me going. He is a perfect reminder that Tanner is always with us.
On Tanner’s angelversary, we tend to try to “escape”. Get away just the 3 of us to a place Tanner would’ve liked so we can spend time together as a family and think of him. We will be doing that this year. Next year we will be remembering him with all of our closest friends and family, as the Lexiebean Foundation’s 4th Annual Wish Upon A Star Gala will be on his 3rd Angelversary, April 25th, 2014. I can’t think of a better way to memorialize Tanner, and look forward to being surrounded by the friends and family who help to hold me together and help to close that gaping hole in my chest. The Lexiebean Foundation has provided me a second family… a family who understands, and while our children play together in heaven, we hold on to each other here.
I am so thankful for those who hold on to me.
Thank you for remembering Tanner on his 2nd Angelversary, April 25th, 2013, and thankyou for your prayers, kind words, positive energy and healing vibes throughout the year. When people who care about us do things in Tanner’s name, it means the world to us.
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