Everything for a reason?

So I was having this discussion with my husband on a trip to go skiing last weekend… that constant question that always comes up – why my kid?  Why did he have to die?  Why couldn’t it have been that he beat it?

I still believe in the whole “everything for a reason” saying.  I know some people would say how can I possibly believe in everything for a reason, how could there possibly be a reason for the death of a child to pediatric cancer.  To that I say you are right, that is isn’t fair, it shouldn’t happen, there should be more answers, there should be more cures.  However, I still say “everything for a reason”.

I believe that we live more than one life.  I recently read the book “many lives, many masters” by Dr. Brian Weiss.  This great NYC doctor basically took a very paranoid, very anxious patient, who was unable to be diagnosed, treated or helped by any type of conventional medicine, and hypnotized her to find out that she was an old soul who lived many lives (and therefore died many deaths).  Many of these deaths are the reasons for her current mental health issues, and coming to terms with them helped her to move forward.  Why am I summarizing a book for you?  One of the premises I took away from this great book is that we all come back in what is known as “soul pacts”.  We souls, who are meant to be together, will reincarnate together.  I know I will see Tanner when I die, and I know Tanner and I have lived many lives together, and have many lives ahead.  I just wish this one didn’t suck so much.

So anyway, that brings me to my point… everything for a reason.   I believe maybe something I had to learn in this lifetime was loss.  I grew up in a very average working class home, raised by my grandparents, with my life planned to do everything just so.  I went to private school from Kindergarten to Grad School, and always pictured my life “the way it should be”… graduating, getting married, getting the house with the proverbial picket fence, having children, and being the perfect little family.  Then BAM! right in the middle of my perfect little planned life, PEDIATRIC CANCER.  Didn’t see that one coming, that’s for sure.

So what have I learned?  That you can’t plan anything.  You should be always happy with what you have.  Stop saying “FML” just because you missed the damn bus in the morning.  The thing you are taking for granted right now (your healthy average children) someone else is praying for.  I just hope that one day, I will get to those pearly gates, and after I have held Tanner in my arms and kissed every single inch of him and tell him how much I love him and how much I missed him, there will be an answer.  Why did I have to go through this, why did TANNER have to go through this.  Why is my 3 ½ year old son up in heaven without his mother, this isn’t the way it was supposed to go!  That’s what I want to know.  I really believe in my heart that I would be advocating for pediatric cancer awareness and working with The Lexiebean Foundation even if he had survived his cancer.  ESPECIALLY if he had survived his cancer.  I just wish I was saying I was one of the lucky ones, whose child survived, and now I’m going to “give back”.  Instead I work tirelessly to raise awareness and memorialize my son, to keep his name alive… to keep myself going.  It’s not fair, but I have to believe there is a reason…. even if I don’t like it.

Love,

Tanner’s Momma

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Responses:

  1. I wish I could believe that – I can’t wrap my head around any reason for a young child to get cancer, suffer through treatment and die. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is broken for my friend that has lost her beautiful 5yr old son, Ty. Lately I’ve been reading much about kids battling cancer, kids that have suffered horrific abuse from family members, have known beautiful babies born too soon that never get to live life – I don’t understand how God lets this happen. I struggle with this daily. I do believe in God but I can’t help but question my faith when it comes to seeing kids suffering. But I do pray there is a heaven where you and your Tanner will be reunited, where Remy & Ty will be with their mommy’s and daddys again.

    Comment by dtine33 on January 16, 2013 at 10:30 pm

  2. Thankyou, we also knew Ty, Tanner and he shared a room when Ty was first diagnosed. I have to believe that tanner and ty are jumping in muddy puddles together as we speak…

    Comment by Tanner's Momma on January 16, 2013 at 11:22 pm

  3. the biggest muddy puddles ever! Sending you a big hug momma. I know how difficult it must be – I hate to write something trite like “hang in there” – but please know that there are many people that are thinking of you, thinking of Tanner and wishing you all peace.

    Comment by dtine33 on January 17, 2013 at 6:39 pm

  4. thankyou! It’s nice to know there are people out there, people who haven’t been through it, who take the time out to care. xoxo

    Comment by Tanner's Momma on January 17, 2013 at 6:44 pm

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