Posts Tagged ‘ pediatric cancer advocacy ’

Loneliness is Loud and Clear

I’ve noticed in the past year or so that Chase “pretends” quite often while he is playing.  He will be down in his playroom, playing with legos, or dressing up like Luke Skywalker, or even just coloring and I hear him talking to someone as if he has a playmate.  Now, I’m no stranger to […]


Learning Curve

Chase is almost 6 years old.  He started Kindergarten this year, and the things he has learned and can do never never cease to amaze me.  This is uncharted territory for me, all this “school” stuff… Tanner should be in 3rd grade, and I should be a pro by now… it’s really strange when your […]


What Should’ve Been…

Today as I took Chase by the hand to his Kindergarten orientation, as I scrolled through my facebook newsfeed looking at hundreds of smiling faces in freshly pressed outfits with new haircuts and new backpacks… I couldn’t help but think about “what should’ve been”. Today was bittersweet.  Chase is starting Kindergarten at his elementary school.  […]


Time

I have been putting off writing for a long time now.  I thought about writing at back to school time, with all the joys of watching Chase go off to school, and all the pain of looking at first day pictures knowing that I should have had two beautiful boys in my pictures too… thinking […]


He Changed My Soul

3 years.  How is it possible? I have gotten out of bed and continued breathing for 1,095 days without my son here on this earth.  April 25th, 2011 the world stopped turning and our lives and hearts were shattered as Tanner took his last breaths, snuggled in between Andrew and myself, holding our hands.  How […]


It Hits You Like a Tidal Wave

Sometimes, you think you’re doing great.  I’d even go as far as to say I thought I was having a good day.  I went to work, I came home, I worked out, cooked dinner, did some homework with Chase, took a shower…   I went to clean up some toys in Tanner’s room (we let Chase […]


On Happy…

We all deserve to live our lives as joyfully as possible, despite our heartaches.   I am not the same person I was before Tanner died.  I am a broken person, with a little less spring in my step, and a little less cheer in my voice.  I will never be who I was before, […]


On Grief

Here’s the thing about being a bereaved parent – it is the constant.  It is the new starting point for all other feelings, experiences and emotions.  You can feel joy, but you feel joy with a base of sadness, an underpinning of grief.  I feel joy when I watch Chase accomplish new things – like […]


I’m his best girl.

I really can’t believe my baby is going to be 4 years old.  4 years ago, on January 30th, 2010, Chase came into our lives, 9 weeks early, a tiny little man, only 3lb 5oz.  He was born via emergency c-section and I should’ve known then that his grand “crash” entrance into this world was […]


Another year older, another year missing you…

Birthdays just aren’t what they used to be.  We used to have a cake, cards, presents… we used to celebrate.  Today is my birthday, and I have no desire to celebrate anything.  Actually, I wish it would just fade away and be just an average crappy Tuesday.  I am overwhelmed by the happy birthday wishes […]